Adventures from the Public Library

Tough economic times have led to many people still filing for unemployment, searching for their "true passion" in life, holding out for management positions, and generally wasting time. I, too, have spent time unemployed. One might say I might be characterised as unemployed right now, except that in the art world we call it "working remotely".

You might be surprised to learn that I have become a student of humanity. I liken myself to Darwin, both in importance and the belief that my theories should be the foundation of important scientific studies. I am one who truly enjoys the differences between each of us, revels in heterogeneity, and finds joy in the uniqueness in all of us. This applies to burritos as well. These are my field notes of the library-dwelling species most common in the northern hemisphere.

1. The Tapper (Tappus Annoyass Humanus)

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2. The Picker/flicker (Ickus Boogaris Humanus)

I can see you, you know. When you sit down across from me, even though I’m looking at my computer and typing doesn’t mean I can’t see your hands move up to your face, your short little fingers indelicately foraging for the lost treasure your nose hides, your arm reaching back to flick said treasure away from your seat onto the floor behind you. You’re nasty, and yes, I’m staring at you with a bitchy look because I saw you do that, and you should know.

3. The Spreader (Lotsastuffus Humanus)

These people suffer from an affliction known as P.S.S. (paper spreading syndrome), commonly referred to as Carol Morgan Disease. This is, perhaps, the most irritating to me because I tend to be overly sensitive about the equal division of shared public space (fatty on the southwest airlines taking up 1.5 seats, I’m also talking about you, but not directly in this post). Let’s lay it out for you: you have exactly the space that the arms of your chair dictates, and halfway across the table. Not ALL the way across the table, not two chairs worth of width, but exactly what any rational person would assume they can use. As a note, you don’t need to bring your mini laptop, normal laptop, notebook, and two different pens to the library. I know you just came here to check facebook and/or get away from your roommates.




4. The Tortured "Artist" (Unemploydus Humanus)

for reals. I’m just wasting the day away, too, so you don’t have to pretend like you’re doing anything other than looking at people.com or comparing molasses types online. Don’t act like you’re struggling with your novel, invariably the next piece of great American literature. I know you’re typing asjkdnfaphiwenjklasnc;awef over and over and sighing as an act.

5. The Headphone Jackass (Unawarus Assholus Humanus)

Yup. I have earbuds, too, and the whole point of having them is that you can listen to whatever you want without everyone else around you also hearing it. Whichever companies make those shitty headphones where you can hear the sweet beats of your neighbor should be shut down with the designers locked inside the factory while it is set on fire. The point is that if I wanted to listen to music, I wouldn’t have come to a library and sat down sans my own earphones, planning to listen to yours.

6. The Raging Homeless (Vagrantus Crazus Humanus)

Dude. You’re homeless, not enlightened. You smell like piss, you look awful, and you are mumbling something incoherent. We all know your homeless. Oh look! The cross eyed-mentally retarded woman is your friend, that’s sweet…and oh! My goodness! There’s another ragamuffin you’ve met in the stacks! No no, don’t worry about us, those here to sit in relative quiet and have a space to work. This is YOUR personal space, you talk about the injustices of the world just as much and as loudly as you like.

7. The Lovebirds (Getaroomus Youngus Humanus)

NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ARE YOUNG AND "IN LOVE". I don’t want to see your physical expressions of love, so take it some place more private, like the subway. Trust me, I understand that you have limited space in your home, but you may as well get your rent money’s worth and take it on inside. Giggling is particularly annoying as well.