Life is a Big Bowl of Spaghetti
Not only the best meal on the planet, but a metaphor for the meaty richness your my life has achieved through gastronomic misadventures. A steamy scene profiling my love affair with butter puts this book on par with Fifty Shades of Grey.
The Furthest Hole South : Tales from the Porcelain Throne
In case you haven't heard enough stories about my shit, here is an entire book dedicated to the quest for the perfect dump. Diagrams, illustrations, and full-page color pictures included.
The Grass is Always Greener : Moving Stories
Having moved several times for seemingly no reason at all, I felt this an appropriate title to relate to those who, like me, are not easily satisfied with their current (past or future included) housing situation.
One Foul Swoop
Also brought to light: "wary" vs "weary", "pedestrian" vs "pedantic", and "wHip" vs "whip".
I Never Knew That Before : a Lifetime of Amazement
If you never bother to learn it the first, second, or third times, you'll never feel like you already know it.
Sticky Face, the Story of a "Muscular" Child
Reaching 104 pounds as a 10 year old made me feel at once invincible and proud; realizing that many adults are not 104 pounds made me feel sad and fat. My lifelong dreams of becoming a ballerina, a size 0, or shopping in the petite section were all dashed in one
So Much Promise, So Little Drive
What Masters degree? When the economy turns sour there are people who keep fighting and those who resign themselves to a life of indentured servitude (retail).
Ingrown : An Anthology of Sticky Situations
Having a smooth, hair-free box is one of life's greatest joys. This chronicles the many triumphs, disappointments, and hair-raising times involved in Brazillian waxing. Whether on the road or in the comfort of someone's home, there always seems to be a story when you approach your cunt with molten hot wax. Also, the many reasons you should never, EVER shave your anus.
Canada is Its Own Country & Other Life Lessons
Much like when Galileo discovered that Earth was not the center of the universe, I determined that Canada is not just an extension of America. The discovery of other geographic wonders is discussed, including the revelation that Afghanistan is not anywhere near Cuba.
I have not started any of these books. I haven't even thought about them. However, I know that I need money to even begin to think about them, so if you could please rally a group of friends to raise 5k for me, that would be awesome. I also accept submissions of carrot cake (cream cheese frosting only, and none of those shitty little cupcake things that people are fucking nuts for right now). Unfortunately, I am only able to accept cash and carrot cake at this time.