Wednesday, 18 April 2012

the sweetest tears


Remember high school? That amazing time when you are constantly surrounded by the ONLY PEOPLE WHO MATTER IN THE WORLD, doing fun things, making great memories, playing your little heart out at whatever JV sport you barely qualified for...ah, the memories. Most of us have a hard time making it through high school without having a nickname or two bestowed on us. Good ol' golden child lindsay had a few endearing ones, "morgs" and "L-dawg" being the two most often scribbled in her yearbook, though the general look of awe and slacked jaws when she walked down the hallway after a golf tournament is a better way to sum up how people felt about her. i myself had some great moments in high school, i'm sure, though none come to mind (except the big wheel in the creek incident, but that is another story). i, too, played golf, though grudgingly for the varsity team, as well as running for cross country (heck yes co-ed!) and was (co)captain of the swim team.

i tried to give myself a super sweet nickname, which combined both my love of controlling people and any alcohol that was available in a handle. that name was "captain morgan". get it? i cleverly used the fact that i was (co)captain of the swim team and tossed my last name on the end, recalling a delicious and hangover-inducing rum! how great it would be in future (the yet to be invented) facebook posts, bar fights at the green, and the 10 year class reunion! i imagined our dank high school auditorium filled to the brim with all of my old classmates chanting "CAP-tain MOR-gan! CAP-tain MOR-gan!" as i strutted, a miraculous 20 pounds lighter then on graduation day and on the arm of a hunky yet sensitive anything tycoon.

it didn't stick. no matter how hard i tried, captain morgan was not the name to be scrawled across pages of my senior yearbook. no no. here's one of the many salutations, all with the same cringe-worthy nickname:

"hives girl-
it's been so great to be in spanish this year!!! i'll never forget that time you threw a pencil at mr. ojcius during class one day. thanks for teaching me how to cheat my way through that class. good luck at uw next year!!! keep in touch!!!


hives girl. fucking HIVES GIRL. wasn't i destined for greatness at some point in my life? how does the most charming (asshole), fashionable (A&F), non-awkward (TOTALLY awkward), loveable (bitch), beautiful (uhhh...) girl in school end up with a nickname like "hives girl"? it's infuriating! where were the lovably cute nicknames my friends walked away with? not to mention that nickname has only been updated once since then, to the suitably descriptive and way less endearing "creepy" or "creepster". thanks a lot, turners.

this is all an incredibly long lead up to the present day situation...with which i will now grace your (and my) bleeding eyes.

i work with a lot of people all day. i'm also a little bit gross and unconcerned about germs which can be somewhat problematic when you are in contact with people on their way in from nepal with clothes that haven't been washed in months or a sweet couple from magnolia checking out the merchandise with their grubby toms of maine-style children. after cleaning legos and helping idiots figure out just how much of their hard-earned cash they are going to leave at our store, i have contracted pink eye. again. damn you all.

this time, i'm not going to let my new friends come up with a nickname for me. no way. i WILL NOT be "pinky" or "poop eye" or "stink eye" or "greasy". not this time. my solution? browse the internet for at home remedies. here is a compilation of great ideas i found:

-Grate a potato and place on the affected eye for 15 minutes

-Replace the water of your eyewash or compress with warm milk

-For itchy eyes, try cooled tea bags on the eyes

-A solution of 1 pt honey and 10 pts water as eye drops

-Combine tender coconut water and astringent herbs for cooling eye drops

-For the eye with yellow discharge, distilled water in which jasmine flowers have been soaked overnight used as eye drops

-Cotton balls soaked in boiled saltwater

-Boric acid

yikes. boric acid? isn't that a bit medieval? sometimes i miss walla walla...usually mom and dad have some kind of expired medicine that works like a charm (or makes you break out in hives. eh hem.) but here in seattle it's just harder. call me lazy, but driving down the block to brew up some shit to put in my eye sounds like a lot of work...not to mention at least $5 in supplies. what, oh what, is the solution?

straight up honey. i've got honey. why dilute it with water when you can just put honey in your eyes? sure, it might be might even sting a little, but i'll be damned if i show up to work and get a new fucking nickname that sticks like hives girl. what kind of honey do you recommend? manuka? oh i had some of that at one point, but a squeezy bear is probably just a good plus it's already in kind of a convenient package for this application. great, i think, let's do this.


DO NOT put straight honey in your eyes. this is similar to the time i tried to cure a yeast infection with garlic and a string and ended up having a crotch that smelled like garlic for a week. if you're into that, good for you, but i'm not. so yes, at this point in the adventure i now had honey all over my eye, lashes, and slowly dribbling down my face as my eye attempted to cleanse itself of the sticky, tar-like substance now coating the orb. why? oh WHY have i done this to myself? let's make the best of this. if the internet says it's going to work, it will definitely work. i have faith in you, non-science-based wives tales and opinions! i grab a hand towel to drape on my pillow and close my remaining good eye for the night.

daylight. my eye is nearly glued shut. when i try to open it there is a thick glassy film over my eyeball that makes it look like i have some kind of corneal transplant involving cellophane for which the only remedy is to melt it off with hot water. hey guess what? i know you'll be surprised that my eye is still pink and swollen, so that's really freaking exciting. fortunately it is allergy season, so i blame it on those damned cherry blossoms when i get to work and look like i've been up all night on a bender (still a better excuse than pink eye). 

listen...for all of you dirtbags out there who like to try and take matters into your own hands, just don't. modern science is nice. it's convenient. heck it's not even that expensive. lesson learned for today. now please excuse me while i go wash my eyes with milk thistle and burn a bit of tree bark.


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