Having spent a fair amount of time in coffee shops and public libraries and out of my apartment here, I think I can speak fairly confidently about just how many weirdos there are here in regards to public bathroom acceptability. A well-known coffee chain sited at Columbus and 67th has one bathroom for an insanely busy store. There is consistently a line four or five people deep, and it seems like there is constantly someone who takes more than five minutes to do whatever and get the fuck out of there. Who wants to spend time in a public bathroom? That’s fucking gross. My mission in all bathrooms: get in and get out. I heard of a girl who was in such a big hurry to get out that she wouldn’t even bother wiping her ass and would instead just leave a big shit streak on the lip of the bowl. I’m not in that big of a hurry, but I’m definitely the type to start the unbuttoning process while walking into the restroom. Maybe that makes me weird, but I figure the less time there is spent in aerosol shit spray, the better.
Ok, here are some of the weirdos I’ve encountered in public restrooms:
1) the primper. Women are obnoxious, alright? I’m sorry, but we take way, way too long doing almost everything that impacts other people. You have a phone, there are store windows and other reflective surfaces, please don’t reapply your makeup in a public bathroom. It’s nasty, anyway, as now you have cloaked your hair and clothes with urine aerosol spray and are basically bathing in it. I also don’t want to smell your baby-whore victoria's secret perfume. It’s bad and you suck.
2) the shitter sitter. I don’t care about you taking a nasty dump outside of your house. It happens. I eat too many oats, too. Please don’t think that if you are someone who takes a long time to duce or, heaven forbid, enjoy it so much you want to hang out in your own shit smell, that you have the free and clear to dump wherever you are. People are waiting, and furthermore, if you leave it to sit in the bowl while your butt is warming the seat to a consistent 98.6 degrees, there will be more shit smell permeating the restroom. You’re an asshole. We all know you’re a shitter sitter when you grab a newspaper before you go in.
3) The chatter. My mom is definitely in the category, sorry to call you out. the chatter is super irritating. Some of us are already dealing with stage fright or phobias about feces-laden bathroom micromist spray germs and have a hard time getting in and out while there are multiple toilets flushing as it is, but you answering your mobile while taking a crap or whatever really doesn’t help. The call can wait. Trust me. If the call can’t wait for you to pull up your pants, then I expect to see you run out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles after you take that call. On the flipside, don’t answer your phone when I’m calling if you’re in the bathroom. The conversation is worthless because you’re technically busy doing something else, and I really don’t want to be a part of it. Plus now I know your phone is covered in duce germs and I have a mental image of you sitting and shitting.
4) the non-washer. I don’t actually care if you wash your hands or not, but just know that I know if you do or don’t. we all know, and we’re all judging you.
5) The crapper tapper. Does tapping your feet really make it come out any faster? You know what’s weird…I CAN SEE YOUR FEET under the stall door, so I know that you are impatiently trying to squeeze one out.
6) The dis-gruntler. I don’t want to hear you strain. Keep it quiet. Is that enough description for you to understand? F-ing gross.
7) The mommy gang. I understand that you can’t keep your children inside your house all the time and it’s probably considered child abuse if you did, but you taking your 6 children into the restroom is irritating. First of all, kids are always pooping. It’s the product of being a lot like a puppy with a short digestive tract and constant feedings. Kid poop also smells sweaty. I don’t know why. Children have the most foul shits of all time, consistently. It’s unfair for you to take up time making all of them pee (poop too, because you know it’s going to happen), play with the toilet paper, teach them how to wash their hands, and generally take a lot longer than you should. I don’t care if you have children. The good ol’ “One Two You’re Through” rule still applies to you.
Feel free to post a comment about an annoying restroom user for me to add to the list. What can be learned from this? Not a lot. Avoid public restrooms and their pee spray. Assume that everyone in line in front of you fits into one of these categories so you’re not too disappointed when you walk into a tiled room that smells like a sewer or end up pissing yourself because you’re waiting for the woman with multiple children stuffed inside to exit. It’s ok to be disappointed in other people, and if you fit into one of these categories, you should definitely be disappointed in yourself. - court