Tuesday, 4 October 2011

15 signs he is a douchebag

If you have found this posting, you’re in a bad spot in your life. Think about it, if you searched “am i dating a douchebag?” you should know that you definitely are. Women are pretty smart when they aren’t the one in the relationship, so watch your friends carefully when they meet him. If they seem a little put off, annoyed, or find a way to leave your company earlier than expected, its because you are insufferably needy and giggly around him or they just can’t stand his obvious douchebagness that you are apparently blind to.

Here are the signs:

1)    Going Dutch on a first date…even if it’s a Maybe Date.

2)    He drinks Starbucks regularly (this doesn’t even take into account the disgusting sugar-infused drinks he orders. If Frappucino is in his vocabulary, he is most likely impotent.)

3)    His “look” can best be described as “trendy”.

3.5)   Oh, and he also claims to have a “look”.

4)    Three words: white linen suit. If he owns one, run away as fast as your knock off Louboutins will let you.

5)    Talking about how certain actresses are hot. Yeah, we know. That’s why we have anorexic tendencies, max out our credit cards on products and clothes, and feel like we have to look our best for a grocery store run. thanks a lot, fucker.

6)    He seems inconvenienced by your presence in the morning because not only are you happy to see him (how dare you actually spent the night!), but you are also about to take away precious minutes of his in the bathroom that he could spend grooming himself.

7)    Check his wallet…if there are more than 4 credit cards you should be concerned.

8)    He loves logos and seeks out clothing that shows them.

9)    He owns a shirt that can be worn off the shoulder and one of those newsboy caps that has a short bill ala Baby Gap and Abercrombie and Fitch. You may actually be dating a gay guy, but if you’re sure he’s not then he’s definitely a douche.

10)   Most stories begin with or contain name-dropping. Get over yourself.

11)  Even though you’ve been sleeping together regularly for months, he is uncomfortable with the term “girlfriend”.

12)  You tend to say “yeah…he pays for a lot of stuff” when talking about him with your friends

13)  He’s an expert on just about everything and has no problem letting you know that.

14)  He seems to have a type that he dates…and he’s willing to tell you about how you fit into it.

15) Your friends are always busy when you want to hang out as a group. This is because they know he’s a douche bag.

Listen, I get it. The douche is a species of male that comes across as smart, funny, personable, and like a real catch. I have been lured by the douchebag as well…something about that carelessly spiked fauxhawk, knowledge of the latest anti-wrinkle regimen, and appealing insecurity of the hunt are all things we mistake for excitement at the beginning of a relationship (in this case, a relationship that will never go anywhere). Unfortunately, the only thing you will get out of this faux-relationship is an STD and a few months of heartache after he drops you citing that you want more commitment than he does. My advice? Get him to take you out one last time to a great place you have been dying try, blow him off to go back to his place and then never return his call. That night when you question if he was really THAT bad, take comfort in the fact that he’s probably been cheating on you since the beginning. - court


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