Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Keep on Clenching, Friend

Ahhhh. I just got this email in my inbox about 10 minutes ago, and felt that I had to share it with the world on a mass level (or the 5 people who read this blog). Ashley is amazing. She had a baby in a blow up kiddie pool a couple of years ago and swore she would never, ever have another child. Then her husband knocked her up again and now she's due with their second. I thought this might help anyone else who is going into labor soon or considering having a child. Namaste!

Reasons Not to Go into Labor 
by Ashley Trout

If your baby is facing the wrong way you should sit upside-down with your butt in the air for at least 30 minutes multiple times a day.  Unfortunately this can’t be done in public or while performing any task that can’t be performed… upside-down.  Follow this with funny looking cat exercises all day long- also not suitable for public settings. 

Be sure not to recline ever- not at the movies, not in your car seat and not on your sofa.  Notice how uncomfortable everyone gets when they think that due to your posture you are always seconds away from jumping out of your seat to announce that you are bored and want out.  It’s fun for the whole family.  Until these result in a positively faced baby, do not go into labor.

Do not give birth if your two year old is still not potty trained and has decided within the past month to no longer sleep through the night in her own bed.

Going into labor during the hottest forecasted day of the entire year is ill advised.  110 degrees is generally reserved for things like sailing or movie theatre double features while birth-giving falls much lower on the list.

For those planning on doing a home birth, one should make sure that the midwife’s previous appointment does not live 6 hours away and is not 6 days overdue.   This leads to an array of complications.

If you ordered a sofa bed 2 months prior to the due date partly in honor of the midwife and it is
expected to show up 1 week after the birth, find a blow up mattress for the lady or do not go into labor.

Also, having one’s entire sewage system back up and simultaneously explode in every plumbing-related receptacle in the house is viewed as unsanitary.  This would be a reason not to go into labor. 

Call the plumber when you see feces floating in your bathtub.  I f he shows up and his name is Clayton, run.  If he calls his boss on your front lawn 4 times before noon, this is a bad sign.  Clenching is strongly advised.  Do not go into labor.

When Clayton and your husband have to resort to pick axing the front yard to access plumbing established in the late 1800’s, leave home.  Leave it quietly.

If you come back and there is now magically dried feces juice on the floors, walls and, get ready for it: ceiling, you should not, I repeat not, use so much bleach to clean it that your eyes burn and everyone in the house gets headaches.  This does not help the overall net effect. 

Wake your 2 year old at 11 pm and get a room at the Travelodge till both the feces and the bleach smell are removed from the house.

Until all of these feats have been overcome, clench.  Clench hard.

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